I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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