I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
