I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
