Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
