Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
