She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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