Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
