Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
