I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
