Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
