her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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