The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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