so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
