He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
