I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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