No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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