dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
