i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
