9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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