You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
