he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
