dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
