She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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