dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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