If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
