I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
