just tell him i said nine months
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
