I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
