theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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