fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
