Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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