her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
