My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
