see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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