I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
