Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
