Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am available for nakedness
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
