How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
