Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
