Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
