You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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