Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
