i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
