i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i wish my penis had a tongue
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
