So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
