You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
