she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
