So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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