my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The feeling are messing with the penis
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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