The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
