A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we're making bets on your personal life
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
